


onsdag 10:05

by nnooorraa



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-05
Updated: 2017-03-05
Packaged: 2018-09-28 13:14:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10102391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nnooorraa/pseuds/nnooorraa
Summary: What would have happened if Even hadn't let Isak walk away in the cafeteria scene





	

It hurt. Isak had never really dealt with a feeling like this before and it hurt more than he ever could have imagined. It didn’t help he was more tired than ever and the thought of potentially running into Even was making him jumpy. 

He was waiting in line in the cafeteria, trying to eat even though he’d rather go home, disappear under the covers and hibernate until this feeling was gone. And he would, except his bed still smelled like Even and he read in some study that it was better to continue with normal life after your heart was broken (although he silently wondered if the people of that study had ever had their hearts broken, because fuck it was hard to breathe.) 

Everything reminded him of Even: from the cheesy toast he ordered, to his homework (how was Baz Luhrmann even relevant to biology?) to his favorite songs (NWA just wasn’t that great anymore and Nas made him cry).

He nearly jumped out of his skin when the boy behind him in line said “Can you heat one up for me as well?” and sounded so much like Even it made his heart skip a beat. But it wasn’t Even and he was both relieved and sad about this. He barely registered the girl behind the counter telling him he was missing a kroner. He was just so _tired._

_Get a grip, get a grip, get a grip. Don’t start crying in the middle of the cafeteria. Just get your lunch and go. You can hide out behind the school. He won’t be there._

Isak got the toast turned around and… nearly walked into Even. The first thing he felt was a rush of butterflies, quickly followed by the hurt that made him want to flee the scene as soon as possible. He instinctively took a step back. _I am not enough. He doesn’t want me. He’s with his girlfriend. I am not enough._

“Halla.” Even was looking at him, trying to read his expression. Isak wondered how Even was able to just stand there while it felt like the wind got knocked out of him. 

“Halla,” he answered, finally meeting Even’s gaze directly. He was staring at him intently and Isak just wanted to go away. Escape those blue eyes. Even breathed in, stared at his hands and then said, “No cardamom?” and for a second Isak’s brain just drew a blank before he followed Evens eyes to the plate that he was somehow still holding. He remembered the horrid cheese toast of the first day and let out a nervous laugh before he said “Kardamomme” in that sing-song way. 

When he looked up Even was giving him a huge smile and it was just too much, because just like a few minutes earlier he was overwhelmed with both butterflies and a sense of grief, and he knew he had to get out of there. The smile slowly disappeared and Isak couldn’t take the silence. 

“No, so…” There were so many unspoken words between them. _What did I do wrong? Why did you lie and say you broke up with Sonja? Why do you keep doing this to me?_

Even breathed in deeply and started with, “But um..” and Isak just couldn’t take it anymore. He had to go now.

“I think I have to go,” and he pushed past Even and made his way to the schoolyard. Screw school. He was going to hang out at the skatepark or go to the library or just anywhere where there was no memory of Even. Except… suddenly there was a hand on his arm and this time he actually dropped the toast. _He wasn’t hungry anyway._

“Isak, can we talk?” He swallowed before crouching down to scoop up his ruined lunch, which was better than having to look at Even who was now towering over him. He grabbed the toast and got up, dropping it in the nearest trashcan and then he was out of excuses for why he couldn’t look at Even. Even who was still patiently waiting, following his every move.

“Why?” It was one word holding many questions and it was the only one he could get past his lips. He watched Even hesitate, biting his bottom lip, avoiding his gaze this time, bouncing slightly up and down, and then he finally spoke,

“I’m bipolar, Isak.” If it had felt like the ground was swept away right under his feet before it was nothing like what he felt now. The world was spinning and Isak didn’t know how to stop it.

“Bipolar? What does that mean? Are you mentally ill?” Nothing made sense anymore as one question seemed to echo through his brain; _are you going to go crazy like my mom?_

What was even happening?

Even looked at him with big sad eyes and Isak both wanted to reach out to him and get as far away from him as possible, but he couldn’t move.

“Can we go somewhere else? I’ll explain everything,” Even asked, after a group of chatting girls had passed them. The schoolyard wasn’t the best place to do this, Isak agreed. But he needed space. He needed to breathe. He needed to make sense of it all first for himself before he could listen to Even. 

“I need to go,” he said. Even couldn’t hide his disappointment but he nodded.

“I’m sorry, Isak.” And Even turned around and headed back into school, pulling his hood over his head before stepping inside.

Isak still couldn’t move. Not until some kid walked into him and he was pushed aside. 

What just happened?

-

Googling bipolar disorder left Isak feeling empty and more confused than ever. It was 4 in the morning and he had spent the past 10 or so hours between Google, crying and watching the speech bubble pop up and disappear on iMessage underneath Even’s name every once in a while. Whatever Even was writing he was erasing just as fast. 

He didn’t understand a lot, but what he did understand was that being bipolar meant Even had extreme highs called mania where he thought he was a superhero or god followed by extreme lows called depression where he would lay in bed all day and possibly want to kill himself. It made his heart ache. How could Even, who always smiled so brightly, who made him feel things he had never felt before, who made him feel like he mattered be Bipolar? 

But… the more he read up on it the more sense it made. 

Had Even been manic this whole time? Had he been smiling, and doing stuff that seemed impulsive and… Was the spark between them a symptom? Isak had read somewhere that being manic could make you feel like you were in love. Was that what this had been to Even? 

He remembered what seeing Even kiss Sonja at the party had made him feel. He never wanted to feel like that again. Unwanted. _Not enough._

He had to know. So the next time the speech bubble turned up below Evens name he started typing.

I: Are you manic right now?

E: No. I haven’t been manic for a few months.

Isak felt a wave of relief crash over him.

I: Are you depressed right now?

E: I’m sad. Not depressed.

Isak wanted to ask him why he was sad, but honestly he already knew. He hesitated before sending the next question.

I: Are you getting help?

E: Yes

So he wasn’t like his mother, who refused anyone’s help. Even was getting help and Isak felt weirdly proud of him for it. But that still left a few questions unanswered.

I: Did you break up with Sonja

E: Yes

Just like when Even had come to find him in gym class those words sparked hope inside of him, but that spark disappeared just as quickly when he got flashbacks from the past weekend. Isak breathed in and out slowly before sending the next question.

I: Then why did I see you kiss her at the party a few days ago?

It took Even some time to answer and it took every bit of willpower Isak had left to not turn his phone off and burry himself deeper into his bed. 

E: It’s complicated. She is in control. Sometimes I feel like she knows me better than I know myself, because everything she says is true.

E: That’s what I’m so freaking tired of. She can’t feel what I feel or think what I think.

E: Okay?

I: Only you can feel what you feel

The words almost typed themselves.

E: and I haven’t felt anything quite like this before

E: Ever

He felt that now familiar flush of butterflies go through his whole body.

I: Me neither

This was true. Not even Jonas had made him feel like this, but then again Jonas had never kissed him, either. Especially not like Even had.

E: ❤️

He swallowed. He was just so tired and even though he wanted nothing more than Even there with him, he also still had that feeling of not knowing what the hell was going on.

I: I’m still so confused Even. Please give me some more time to think.

E: ❤️

He locked his phone, closed his laptop and turned off the lights. He had no idea what the next step was going to be, but he did know he was a goner for Even. He unlocked his phone and sent him a heart. _That’s so gay._

-

Isak couldn’t sleep all night. His thoughts were too loud. Eventually he opened up his laptop again and went to the Nissen website. He searched for Even’s class schedule and then got dressed. 

The tram ride didn’t clear his sleep deprived mind much, but standing next to the pole where he had been standing with Even a few weeks ago gave him a little boost. He needed every bit of strength he could get for what he was about to do next. 

When he got to his stop he got out and put his hands in his pockets. He was scared. He’d never done this before and that made it completely nerve wrecking. 

It took him a few good deep breaths before he walked up to Even’s front door. Before he could do anything, including both ringing the bell and chickening out the door opened. 

“Bye mom, see you this afterno-” When Even saw him his eyes widened and his mouth popped open. Before Isak could say or do anything Even was dragging him inside a finger pressed to his lips. Be quiet. Isak nodded in understanding. Even took his hand and snuck him past the living room and the kitchen to his own room. He carefully closed the door behind him, while Isak was awkwardly standing in the middle of the room. Even walked up to him, not quite closing the distance between them but standing closer than people normally would. 

“Can I kiss you?” he asked and Isak nodded. Yes. Yes. Yes. Isak was actually the one who closed the distance between them first. They kissed softly, slowly and Even was the one to break free resting his forehead against Isak’s.

“She going to be gone in ten minutes. Then we can talk,” he whispered. Isak nodded again. They spent the next 10 minutes in silence, just looking at each other. Isak traced Evens face with his fingers. He was unsure of a lot of things, but he wanted to learn. He wanted to understand. He wanted to love.

-

They spent the day in Even’s bed, but instead of making out, smoking and talking about everything and anything Isak was asking questions and listening to Even explain. He explained what mania was for him (last year I learned the whole Qur'an in Arabic during an episode), what it felt to fall into a depression after going so, so high (my brain literally feels on fire). They talked about triggers like smoking and alcohol ( _“If I had known we would have never smoked together” “but then we wouldn’t have talked either and you would be a kosegrouppa duo with Emma now” “right…”_ ). They talked about getting help and meds. They talked about Bakka and about being diagnosed.

Eventually they also talked about what would happen if Even went into manic episodes and came crashing down, and how Isak could prepare. It was a scary conversation for them both and one they were going to need to have more often, Even explained, as he wanted to make sure he hurt Isak as little as possible.

-

The questions and stories had stopped a while ago and Even was watching Isak and threading his fingers through his hair.

“I’m sorry,” Isak whispered. Even frowned at him.

“What for?” Isak propped himself up on his elbow so he could look at Even on eye level.

“For saying I don’t want people with mental illnesses in my life.” When Even didn’t reply and just stared at a point in between them Isak leaned in to kiss him.

“I’m sorry for hurting you.” Another kiss.

“I want you in my life more than anything.” Even smiled at him but there was still some sadness behind it. 

“I want you to be my boyfriend.” It was scary to say those words aloud, but Isak meant them with everything he had. The sadness disappeared and Even pulled him in close to kiss him again, more deeply this time.

“Say it again,” he demanded as he pulled back a little. Isak rolled his eyes with a smile.

“I want you to be my boyfriend.” Even’s smile was so big he had trouble kissing him.

-

The first people they told were Even’s parents. Mostly because his mom walked in on them making out in bed. She cleared her throats and they both froze. Or well, Isak froze. Even just said, “Oh hey mom. This is Isak. _My boyfriend_.” And Isak felt so embarrassed he wanted to sink into the ground. Great first impression. Thanks Even. 

“Five minutes. Tea,” was all Even’s mother said before walking out. 

The rest of the day actually went really well. Isak met Even’s dad under slightly less embarrassing circumstances (even though Even kept touching him). They invited him to dinner and Isak bonded with Even’s dad over the new planets that group in Belgium discovered. After dinner Even walked him to the tram, but not before making out in the alley next to their house. 

“See you tomorrow,” was all Even said before he let Isak go. When he got back home Isak went straight to bed and fell asleep immediately for the first time since he had laid eyes on Even.

-

The next morning he nearly skipped school. Even was waiting for him at the school gates and together they walked towards Jonas, who was waiting for Isak in front of the school. Isak had never felt so nervous before, but he’d made a plan with Even the previous day. Isak wanted to be able to tell his friends and there was no one but Jonas who would be a better person to start with. 

“Hey man!” Jonas greeted him. 

“Hey. Even, this is Jonas. Jonas, this is Even, my boyfriend,” he said it so fast he was worried Jonas might not have heard him correctly, but then Jonas grinned and shook Even’s hand.

“Hey, nice to meet you! You’re in Kosegrouppa right?” Isak let out a sigh of relief. It was going to be okay.

“I fucking knew you didn’t leave _my_ snapback in the cafeteria that day!” Or maybe not. 

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this between 3 & 8 AM and still can't believe it turned out so well. Please let me know what you think! 
> 
> Come find me on [Tumblr](http://nnooorraa.tumblr.com)


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